Two Excerpts from Divided Circles

This is an excerpt from the first draft of my unfinished manuscript "Divided Circles". The story of forbidden love, murder and revenge that story that I've had in my head for almost a decade. Again, it's the first draft so a lot of the descriptive stuff needs to be added and I'm sure there are grammatical mistakes. Still it's a start. The main character Dante Roman often visits the grave of a childhood friend who committed suicide. One day while sleeping he dreams that the ghost of that friend pays him a visit during one of those encounters.

“You visit too often.” A voice said from behind me.
I turned around but there was no one there. I dropped the flower in front of the grave and stood up. “Hello?”
“You visit too often,” The voice repeated. I swirled back around and there was Jimmy. He had a smile on his face. I was frozen in fear but I immediately knew he wouldn’t hurt me.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s just a grave, Dante. You’re not going to find anything here. Why do you come by so often?”
“B-Because…I miss you.”
“And this,” he said pointing to his headstone, “makes you feel closer to me?”
“I guess.”
Jimmy shook his head. “No it doesn’t, Dante. You’re always close to me because I’m always in your heart because you loved me. You’ll always have memories of me in your head. When you want to be close to me think of those not this grave.”
“So you don’t want me to come? You blame me, don’t you?”
“For what? Dying?” Jimmy laughed. “You really are self centered aren’t you? Do you think the whole world revolves around you? That I did what I did because of you and now I spend my afterlife stewing and waiting for revenge? I don’t blame you. I lived my life and now I have no regrets. I have no anger or sadness, they don’t exist for me anymore. I don’t blame you.”
I started to cry. “I just wish I had been there for you.”
“Dante, listen to me. You can’t change the past, what’s done is done. Do you think that life is like taking steps in sand and looking back and being able to see where you’ve gone and maybe retracing those steps? It’s not, it’s like opening a door and then another and another and you keep going further and further but you can never go back…never. Concentrate on the doors in front of you. The ones behind you are already locked. Save those you can.”
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are and you are lucky to have so many people to love and who love you in return. Even that cutie, Elijah.” He laughed. “Don’t let them get away and don’t ever feel like you have to walk alone because you’re never alone when you’re loved…



The second except is also dialogue heavy. The star crossed lovers Dante and Elijah are discussing memories of their parents after Dante has a traumatic experience visiting his father in jail.

I was lost in my thoughts when Elijah returned. He picked up the chair Dad had been sitting in and pushed it back up to the table. Sliding both hands into his back pockets he approached me. “Did you learn anything useful?”

“Only that the man I remember from when I was little is gone for good.”

Elijah took a hand out of his pocket and gave me three awkward forceful pats on the back. “Maybe...maybe it's a good thing that you at least have those memories.” He shrugged, as if he weren't even sure himself. “I mean, my dad was always working in his law firm while I was growing up, he still does. I don't have a lot of memories of us doing anything together at all. And my Mom...well you know. Her job is her life.” He laughed a little to himself. “You see, I remember this one time. I think it was my first game on the soccer team. We weren't any good, we were only in Middle School but I was so excited. Mom took the day off just so she could do the whole soccer Mom thing. Dad told me he's tried to get there by the half. Well, I sat on the bench for most of the game but during the second half they put me out there and the ball comes my way and I was off. I ran from one end of the field to the other and slammed that ball right into the other team's goal. All my teammates were there to congratulate me but I looked up into the stands and still saw Mom sitting there by herself. Dad never did show up. And the worse part was that Mom had been on her phone and she hadn't seen it either. She pretended that she had but I always knew better. Well, we lost anyway but I always wished that they had seen me make that first goal.” Elijah bit his lip. “I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes, right?”
I suddenly noticed how close we were standing to each other. I didn't answer him, I just looked into his eyes and I could see pain that I hadn't noticed before. I wondered how many tears they had shed.Elijah had a whole history that I knew nothing about. A life that I was only beginning to see and I wanted to know more.

“So what was your Mother like?” He asked.

“I can't say I remember all that much about her but I do remember her always being there. And I always knew that she loved me. We never had that much money but she was so determined to make sure that I didn't realize it. There was one Christmas where I think we were really hurting. My parents told me that we wouldn't be able to get a Christmas tree and I remember being so disappointed. I asked if Santa could get us one, and I could just see the look in her eyes. On Christmas Eve they woke me up in the middle of the night and basically dragged me into the living room. And there right in the middle was a real live Christmas tree. I don't know where they got it, they must have driven for hours to find it. Dad got some decorations from the basement and we listened to the radio and decorated the tree. Then they sent me back to bed. The next morning I came out and there were presents lying underneath. Of course, I didn't get everything I wanted but that was always one of my favorite Christmases, I just remember feeling so warm inside every time I looked at that tree. When I think of my Mom that's what I remember, that warmth.”

The Real Problem With Ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I think this month has reminded us that while the gay community focuses on issues like marriage and military service it has ignored, arguably more important, issues like bullying, discrimination, and violence. It has been argued that marriage and military service are the only two things keeping priviliged members of the community from feeling fully intergrated in American society. We are far from the radical early days of the gay rights movements when our primary focus has become intergration in the war making apparatus and legal recognition of our relationships.

While I oppose "Don't ask, Don't tell", I find it odd that it's become the central focus of the LGBT community, especially since I don't know anyone who's part of said community, that's ready to run out and enlist if and when it's overturned. My concern, and I'm sure the concern of many others, is with the men and women already serving in the military. They have every right to continue to do so. They have every right to do so openly. Yet should they? Is it safe?

The issue of safety is one that few have talked about but I believe is the real reason that the Justice Department and the Pentagon has been slow to act. President Obama has said time and time again that he plans to end the policy. He's said it as a candidate, and as Commander in Chief. Yet the gay community demanded immediate action. His ability to unilaterally end the policy is not only doubtful, it might very well be unwise at this stage. What we have seen and heard from the President and the Pentagon is a slow movement to prepare the military for integration. There has been a lot of talk about troop morale, disruption and the fact that we're in two wars, but what underlies these arguments is the issue of safety.

Is it really safe for gay members of the armed services to come out in one of the most heteronormative institutions in this country? Hate crimes are on the rise. This month the suicides of several gay youth as a result of bullying caught the national attention...though it happens often. It's not safe for any gay person in this country, especially in the army. Does it really get better? Perhaps, it depends on who and where you are. While President Obama might be wary of pronouncing his fears about homophobia and an angry backlash, violence against gay service members is a real possibility. It's something the military has already experienced on numerous isolated occasions. Some have even resulted in death.

So before we rail against the injustice of it all, I think we must first have a frank discussion about how we can keep our men and women in the military safe. If we aren't even safe at school, or walking home from the bar, what do we face in the high stress, homophobic, heteronormative, gun carrying, violent culture of the United States military? If you support the immediate repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", please tell me how we can do so and keep everyone safe from physical and mental abuse.
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Quick Thoughts on Atheism

I've never been comfortable with those who hold their religious beliefs so fervently that they close themselves off to all other possibilities. The world is full of scary religious fanaticism. For the same reason, however, I could never be an atheist. Atheism is in itself a religion, and in some places an organized religion. While most religions claim to be monotheistic it is an atheistic religion. How depressing to have a belief system centered around the belief that there is nothing out there and that we are truly alone. It's the same with professional skeptics, who make a living out of taking away the mystery in the world.

I've always figured that most people embraced religion because it provides comfort and certainty in an uncertain world. What benefits does atheism provide? I'm not arguing that one should adopt a religion or believe in a God, because I truly question what is out there. Still I'm guided by a certain spirituality and the knowledge that in a world where almost every element has been dissected into it's most basic components there are still things we don't understand, mysteries that exist. Call it God, magic, science or don't call it anything at all. Because sometimes it's in not knowing and being comfortable with our own ignorance that we open ourselves up to true discovery.

Hope Tree

This one is an old but a goody. It seems especially relevant as Fall turns to winter.


HOPE TREE
Glorious is the leaf that hangs from the tree.
Even in its death a sight to see.
Exploding in a brilliant dazzling array.
When the sun disappears and the sky turns gray.

But what happens when the cold winds start to blow?
And the lofty leaf loses its golden glow.
From the tree that gave life it falls from grace.
Where on the cold earth its beauty's disgraced.

Mauled and mangled by the traveler's foot.
Browned and blackened into slimy soot.
It becomes nothing more than a fragile shell,
A lonely monument to the life it once held.

On an old tree hunched and scarred by silent pains.
One lone heart shaped leaf is all that remains.
I had dreamed that one day we'd sit under its shade.
And you'd hold me as I carved our initials with a sharpened blade.

In the fall of our love it still stands proud.
So soon to be enveloped in a wintry shroud.
I watch as my heart finally slips to the forbidding ground.
Where in the sky's raining tears, it drowns

They Make Dreams Like This version 2

THEY MAKE DREAMS LIKE THIS

Pink clouds signal the dying sun,
As the blue sky turns to black,
And dreams fade away
As tear drops I'll never get back.
The bell signals the end of our time,
But you're already gone.
And I'm left standing in my own pain,
Wonder if I'm already lost?

The night falls on me slowly,
A crushing weight of heavens above.
They promise me one day I'll be up there,
But than they also promised me your love.
God seems as far away as your lips,
His hands as cold as your heart.
Yet I still pray to him for you.
I wonder if he heard me at all?

I catch a firefly and let it go,
And it becomes our star in the sky.
But you only see the twinkle in some other man’s eye.
Until the untroubled night when your wrapped in his arms,
And the moon is within your reach.
You'll wish upon a star’s sparkling facade,
And he'll answer it with a kiss.
While I dream of you alone under a celestial glow.
Wondering why they can’t make life like this?

My twilight tears become your midnight mist,
The dew with your rising sun.
I fade away with your dawning day,
But the night will once again have its turn,
When the pieces of your heart are scattered amongst the leaves on the ground,
And the universe seems nothing more than an ominous abyss.
Gaze upon our star still sparkling in the sky,
And I’ll remind you always; a true love never dies.

Eternal Flame

I wrote this a couple months ago. Figured it was time share it.

Eternal Flame

The days without you fall like snow,
Until I no longer see the path from which I came.
The steps we took together seem to have never happened at all.
Yet I still open my eyes to find you were the last thing of which I dreamed.

As I fall back with a sweaty brow and release a heavy sigh,
He smiles and puts his arm across my chest not knowing the emptiness inside.
I’ve shared my bed with more bodies in the months since you’ve left,
Than the lifetime before…but their warmth doesn’t reach me.
For you are my eternal flame.
And within the barren tundra of my icy heart a glowing ember remains,
Waiting for your sweet breath to bring it to life again,
And reignite a love that has never died or been tamed.

But if it be fate that our eyes shall never again meet,
And the lonely ember shall never reach its former passion,
Then I will protect it from the tears that fall,
And save it from the hand of time by cupping it within my own,
And I understand that they may never understand our love,
And even you may forget it in time gone by.
But if ever I doubt love’s existence,
I’ll let your glowing memory melt the cold corners of my heart,
For you are my eternal flame.

Blind Love

If love is blind than come be blind with me!
Lets close our eyes and make love in the dark.
Forget what you've seen that hasn't pleased you.
My face and body are nothing but distractions anyway.
Get to know my soul instead for it always did speak better for me.

But how could I not help but peek?
For it is only in your eyes that I find myself.
And if I could not gaze upon you I'd get lost in my own darkness.
But why is it that those eyes can't look into mine?

No, love is not blind for I see you as you are.
I embrace each beautiful imperfection more readily than I do my own.
Yet you gaze upon me as if my body were a prison term,
When all I want is for you to be free.

Love sees all but our mistake is thinking we can see love.
No, you won't find it in the contours of his form.
You won't spot it on his porcelain skin,
You won't glimpse it in the bulge of his blue jeans.

But come lay your head upon my chest and hear love,
Listen to a heart that beats only when yours is next to it.
Touch me with your hands and feel love on each goosebump of my skin.
Taste love on my lips after each lingering kiss.

Let me wrap my arms around you and you will know love.
Oh, my beautiful one, it's not about closing your eyes but opening your heart.
Then you will see that I am what you need me to be.
And all that you've ever wanted I've had from the start.

(c) 2009