It was summer and I was working on a campaign (that would end sooner than expected) to fulfill my Bonner hours. I quickly found that I had a crush on one of my co-workers and knowing that time was of the essence finally worked up enough courage to tell him so. My courage was rewarded with rejection. I just wasn't his type, he claimed. But I shouldn't give up hope because there was someone out there for me. This was my story last year while working with Citizens to Restore Fairness...and oddly enough it's my story now.
My crush (who was hispanic, by the way) told me that he liked fit urban asian guys. It does't take a genius to see I'm not really any of those things. But what could I say? Beg him to give me a chance and maybe he'd find out I'm just as good as a fit urban Asian guy?
Fast forward to the present day, almost exactly a year since that rejection and by now it is far from my mind. Again I'm working on a campaign (this time ME in Boston) to fulfill my Bonner hours. Again I have a crush on one of my co-workers. Again I got up the courage to tell him how I felt. And once again I was told that I wasn't the right type.
This guy actually does like black guys (as if race is the most important thing) but somehow I'm not the right kind. Maybe I'm not thuggish enough, or urban enough. Maybe he'd like me more if I walked with my pants have way down my legs and spoke ebonics. Whatever the reason, I just don't measure up to his standards and I'm beginning to doubt I do to anyone's.
After almost eight years of being out, my hopeful idealism is beginning to fade. When I first came out I was obese, at one point weighing over 350lbs. I didn't feel good about myself. I was told that all I had to do was like myself and other people would start to like me too. That's not an easy thing to do but I was up for the challenge. I've lost almost 150lbs and not only do I look better, I feel better. Sometimes I think I'm pretty darn hot. But if I was expecting this to trigger some stampede of men I was sorely mistaken.
It seems that I was told was a lie. It doesn't matter how I feel about myself only how other people feel about you. I've always wanted someone who could look past everything on the outside and see who I really am on the inside but maybe that's just too much to ask. I fear that if everyone is only looking for the people who fit within the narrow group of men they call their type I'm always going to be on the loosing end. I'm not someone's type but I deserve more than just a quick glance. Unfortunately, it seems that for now that's all I'm going to get.
