MMMM...Salad

At dinner today I had a conversation about the pros and cons of interracial dating, cultural mixing and appropriation. A deep discussion to have over Jerk Chicken a la Lord Saunders. Since I was very young I strongly believed in the idea of interracial dating. I dreamed of the day when the concept of race that has for so long intruded upon almost every aspect of society and has been the fuel for hate, violence and the concentration of power would crumble. I felt that interracial interaction and interracial dating in particular would be the best way to accomplish this. Racism and hate both have their foundations in ignorance and through interactions this might slowly come to be replaced by knowledge and acceptance. I've realized, however, that it's not only those in power who have an investment in making sure that our self-constructed boundaries remain intact. Many unique cultures exist in this world and to some extent they can become diluted and changed when they are influenced by others. It is true that the world we live in is becoming increasingly homogenized. This fear that we'll all become part of one monolithic culture has even some of the most liberal among us advocating forms of segregation and cultural purity.

Some feel that the differences between cultures are just two vast to sustain any form of intimate relationship. But by refusing to get involved with people of different races and cultures we only deepen this chasm. I believe that in a world as diverse as ours it's a shame to be able to live your whole life knowing nothing about cultures other than your own but so many of us do it. We live our whole lives rely on stereotypes and conjecture to tell us about the people who live on the other side of the fence. Must we give up our culture in order to share it? In Elementary School we were told about the history of Hanukkah and would play with dreidels during recess. Has it lost any of it's power and meaning as a result?

When I think of a melting pot I don't imagine the smaller cultures being dissolved into the dominant one. Cultural appropriation brings problems of its own. I see sharing, understanding and learning. This is exactly what I feel our country needs when battle lines are still sharply drawn even as new ones are being formed. I'm not arguing that the only good relationship is an interracial one or that only interacting with people of your own culture is detrimental but that in a such a diverse society can we really afford to not learn about those around us or allow other people to learn about us? Though tragic, it was love that finally brought the Montagues and Capulets together. Love has no litmus test because love is love no matter what size, shape, color, or culture the one you give your heart to happens to be. It's the Ace that trumps them all. Even if we are just a great cultural salad bowl we must mix and interact. No one puts all their carrots on one side, all the lettuce on another and pour the dressing around it all. And if you do...well that's just plain weird.

Could I be...

Could I be so lucky to hold you in my arms?

To be the one to protect you?

And to keep you safe from harm?

Could I be so blessed to have your hand in mine?

To have you by my side,

your head on my shoulder looking oh so fine.

Could it be that one day your voice deep and true.

will whisper my name with the same desire I speak of you?

Could you ever see it, when we'll dance to our own beat.

Carried by something stronger than our worn and weary feet.

Can you imagine a day when we didn't say goodnight?

But dreamed together of each other under the pale moon light.

Yes, it is only dreams and fantasies of which I can now sustain.

But until I have you in my arms I'll happily dream them just the same.

Garlic Sapphire

Have you ever been in that thin realm between consciousness and sleep and all sorts of weird thoughts and images go through your head? And sometimes it seems so profound that you think yourself a genius? Well I was in that state a few days ago and a phrase popped into my head and it seemed so important that I in my groggy state found a pen and a piece of paper and wrote it down. When I woke up the next morning the barely legible phrase that slanted across the sheet of paper was...garlic sapphire. Hardly profound.

That night I had a great dream where I met this dreamy guy who seemed to good to be true(It turns out he was). For some reason I stood him up and though he was upset he forgave me of course. I guess, I was just that hot. When I awoke and found myself back in the real world I of course was a little disappointed. Reality is a little different. In fact, life is a little like garlic sapphire. A thing of absolute beauty that somehow leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Okay, maybe it's a stretch but it may partially explain what I've been feeling. I've described this time as my Golden Age, sometimes I'm amazed at how things seem to be falling together. At the same time it's all I can do to keep myself from falling apart.

Lately, I've felt like this fortress that's under constant attack by the most powerful enemy and yet greatest ally of all, life. And while some might simply say “that's life” it's hard not to get discouraged. I know that life is a little bit like weightlifting. Those who have it too easy aren't going to get any stronger but can you have it too hard? And is right to complain over my trivial stuff when the world knows so much suffering? In the final analysis those things that have me so upset now won't even register.

Life is good but sometimes you get tears in your eyes and you aren't sure whether it's for all the good stuff or all the bad...maybe I should call it onion sapphire. No matter what we call it I guess we have no choice but to hold on...hopefully take a breath mint and go along for the ride.

The One Commandment

The One Commandment

I live in a world where “Though Shalt be Fabulous” is the only Commandment,

I fall asleep alone knowing my bed has been made but I had no hand in it.

In this world God has a six pack and the angels have tans,

Tell me, is that all it takes to be a man?

Hair shall be plucked and tweezed and not one strand must fall out of place,

And to be wanted you better have a perfectly symmetrical face.

Don't be silly it doesn't matter if you're rich,

But If you want to fit in you better wear Abercrombie and Fitch.

When it comes to this game I'm always losing,

It's the more perfect beautiful boys that they are constantly choosing.

I may not have the style or body of which they've dreamed,

but when it comes to my heart and soul I reign supreme.

If our eyes cannot penetrate the skin and see what's within,

Then I'm afraid I'm never destined to win.

Because I'm not fabulous as it is plain to see,

And to them the greatest sin I can commit is simply being me.

And Then History Repeated Itself

It was summer and I was working on a campaign (that would end sooner than expected) to fulfill my Bonner hours. I quickly found that I had a crush on one of my co-workers and knowing that time was of the essence finally worked up enough courage to tell him so. My courage was rewarded with rejection. I just wasn't his type, he claimed. But I shouldn't give up hope because there was someone out there for me. This was my story last year while working with Citizens to Restore Fairness...and oddly enough it's my story now.

My crush (who was hispanic, by the way) told me that he liked fit urban asian guys. It does't take a genius to see I'm not really any of those things. But what could I say? Beg him to give me a chance and maybe he'd find out I'm just as good as a fit urban Asian guy?

Fast forward to the present day, almost exactly a year since that rejection and by now it is far from my mind. Again I'm working on a campaign (this time ME in Boston) to fulfill my Bonner hours. Again I have a crush on one of my co-workers. Again I got up the courage to tell him how I felt. And once again I was told that I wasn't the right type.

This guy actually does like black guys (as if race is the most important thing) but somehow I'm not the right kind. Maybe I'm not thuggish enough, or urban enough. Maybe he'd like me more if I walked with my pants have way down my legs and spoke ebonics. Whatever the reason, I just don't measure up to his standards and I'm beginning to doubt I do to anyone's.

After almost eight years of being out, my hopeful idealism is beginning to fade. When I first came out I was obese, at one point weighing over 350lbs. I didn't feel good about myself. I was told that all I had to do was like myself and other people would start to like me too. That's not an easy thing to do but I was up for the challenge. I've lost almost 150lbs and not only do I look better, I feel better. Sometimes I think I'm pretty darn hot. But if I was expecting this to trigger some stampede of men I was sorely mistaken.

It seems that I was told was a lie. It doesn't matter how I feel about myself only how other people feel about you. I've always wanted someone who could look past everything on the outside and see who I really am on the inside but maybe that's just too much to ask. I fear that if everyone is only looking for the people who fit within the narrow group of men they call their type I'm always going to be on the loosing end. I'm not someone's type but I deserve more than just a quick glance. Unfortunately, it seems that for now that's all I'm going to get.

I Am Justin. Afraid

So I'm scared. When I was young it was of tornadoes and scary men climbing through my window. Now it's of Global Warming, George W. Bush, never having the body I want...or a guy who wants me.
I'm scared that people are going to look at me and see someone completely different than who I am...I'm afraid they already do.

I've never known the feeling of being fearless. I feel like it would be a good one but I've never lived in a world that allowed me to be unafraid. Sometimes I wish I could just do everything I was scared to do or forget about everything I'm scared of. But that's easier said than done, right? And maybe if I did I'd never change. I've lost 145lbs and counting because I was afraid of obesity cutting my life short. I'm in college and working hard to get a good education because I'm afraid of what would happen if I don't...I've seen what will happen.

So maybe this thing called fear is not so undesirable as we make it out to be. Perhaps, like pain it serves a protective function. People who don't feel pain often end up dead at a dreadfully young age. And people who don't have fear don't grow. And if you buy into the fact that one person can change the world than you need courage. And courage to me is about being afraid of life and its hardships but living anyway.

A Note on Sanjaya

Over a month ago, American Idol Contestant Sanjaya Malakar was my guy of the week. At the time I had no idea that he'd become such a lightning rod on the hit TV show. Everyone wants to tear him to shreads, whether it's for his subpar singing (which I have yet to hear) or his big brown eyes. Despite the opposition to his voice no one has been able to stop this singing beauty and he might just go on to be the worst singer to ever win American Idol.

People seem amazed that he's still around but I find myself wondering what people expect. So many of our most successful artists today can't really sing. You have Hillary Duff and Ashley Simpson and a pletheora of rappers who can hardly hold a tune. These days it's about the performer, technology can do the rest. We can make anyone sound good. One of the most important things for a singer to have now, is not a good voice, but a spark that keeps people coming back. A pretty face for people to fall in love with. For whatever reason Sanjaya has these and that just might be the key to his success. Look how much Taylor Hicks is struggling right now. He has the voice but no spark and not surprisingly his records aren't selling. So maybe Sanjaya will go all the way, I wouldn't mind seeing more of that pretty face myself, and if he does is that such a bad thing? Maybe...but he's hardly the first person without talent to strike it big...

Yet Another Poem

These past two days I've been finishing poems that I previously started. You might be able to tell well I stopped and picked it up again because the style changes but I like it. So here's another:

Mirror, Mirror
For a kid who never could look himself in the mirror,
I was always haunted by my own reflection.
I didn't want to face my own rejection.
I used to look up at the sky and search for shooting stars,
And wish that I could start over again,
Go back before I had these scars.

Why is it that we are so young when we realize that we aren't beautiful?
Who were the people who destroyed our worlds, with one cruel remark?
Who was it that told me jokingly that I was too dark?
I wonder if he remembers, the boy who looked at me with disgust and said my mother should be ashamed,
Now that I've lost weight I wonder if he'd still say the same.

I never doubted that I was born with a love for men,
but what made me decide that I liked them thin?
Why is it that since elementary school I've had a thing for blondes?
Is it just a coincidence or am I part of some big con?

Why is it that so often people stare but never look you in the eye?
That's something I'd like to know before I die.
I used to put others on pedestals but now I'm claiming my own.
And don't think I plan on moving, this is not a loan.
Now I look myself in the mirror,
And maybe I see things a little clearer.
But as far as I can see,
there's nothing wrong with me.

Two Poems

(Rough drafts of two of my poems. As always I had trouble finding the right ending!)




Let My Light Be Your Guide

Let my light be your guide,
So that you may see your way through the darkened nights.
Let my love be your wings,
So that you may reach the stars and achieve all of your dreams.
Let my arms hold you tight,
So that I may protect you when things seem grim.
Let my love lead you home,
When you are lost and feel all alone.
Let our hands never part,
Let our eyes never wander,
Let our old wounds mend,
Let this be where our life begins.
And remember this, even when we may seem far away,
Our love will keep us warm like the perennial sun heralding our new day.




Through the Glass

The child pressed his face up against the glass,
Looking through the display case at the toys he couldn't have.
As his mother dragged him away, he would wonder,
Why was it that he seemed destined to look,
while there were those who just took and took and took?

It wasn't that he asked for too much,
but that really didn't matter, life being such.
Unless his life changed, he knew he'd always feel the pain.
Of being the boy would could look but couldn't touch.

He grew up and no longer wanted toys,
the object of his affection was another boy.
He tried to get his attention, tried to get him to listen,
but he could never get through.
It was like a wall of glass separated the two.

He said he was looking for love,
He wanted it just because.
He saw the beauty that was within,
He just wanted the pain to end.

But he knew that he could never acquire,
the beautiful boy who set his heart on fire.
It wasn't that he asked for too much,
but that really didn't matter, life being such.
He was simply the boy who could look but couldn't touch.

The Deadline

If the Democrats have their way, the bulk of American troops will be out of Iraq within the year. I'm a Democrat and I firmly believe that not only was the War in Iraq morally wrong, it was a crime. Though I never had any doubts that Iraq posed little threat to us, even as a teenager in High School when the war first began, many Americans did and that's because the President and his administration intentionally mislead them and a ineffective congress did little to stop him. What George W. Bush has done is grounds for impeachment but with his term winding down the chances of that ever happening are extremely unlikely.

The Democrats are in control now and they want a way out of this war. Interestingly all the deadlines are before the November 2008 election, where a new President, probably Democrat, will be elected. Despite my hatred for the war I feel my party is doing too little too late and doesn't seem to be looking for any real solutions. If American troops leave, Iraq's Government will fall and anarchy will reign. Time and time again I've heard our leaders say that we were tired of helping the Iraqis needed to fix their own mess and to stand up to the plate and take responsibility. This completely ignores the fact that we created that mess. Saddam Hussein was an evil man but it was the bungled invasion of Iraq to overthrow his government that spawned the Civil War that now rages in there. It's not just the Iraqis mess to clean up, it's ours.

I still believe that the best solution is a divided Iraq. The State of Iraq hasn't always existed it was evented by Great Britain after the fall of the Ottoman Empire following World War I. They stupidly carved out a nation that cut through the territory of several different ethnic groups (ie. Kurdistan in the North). Iraq was created and just as easily as it was created it can be destroyed. The best solution I've heard is to divide the country into three spheres (Kurds, Shiites, Sunnis) either as independent states or in some lose Federation similar to the United Arab Emirates. This break is taking place anyway. This might not immediately end the war but it'll be a good start. It would also curb the influence of Iran to only the Shiite dominated sphere.

I must disagree with the Democratic Leadership on this one. Leaving is not a solution. It seems that instead of thinking of ways to bring peace to Iraq Democrats and Republicans can only think in terms of adding or reducing troop levels. We could have 1 million troops in Iraq and it still might not be enough (The city of Baghdad has 5 million people alone). It's not about military strength anymore that ended with the fall of the Republican Guard. We can keep cutting the weed but until we pull out the roots it's going to keep growing. Hopefully, we'll realize that before it's too late...if it's not too late.

Guy of The Week: Mario Vazquez

I think I fell in love on the ride back from Spring Break. I was riding back with a bunch of other Oberlin Students and unfortunately I didn't have control over the music and the person who did was doing a lot of flipping around but she did manage to keep the radio on one station long enough for me to hear Mario Vazquez's "Gallery". Not only does he have the face of an angel he has the voice to match and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. He might be an idiot for dropping out of American Idol but this is one idiot I wouldn't mind getting to know a little better. Gallery with it's lyrics and wonderful beat would be a great song no matter who sang it but Mario truly makes the song his own and I'm sure it'll be a favorite of mine for years to come. This American Idol Contestant just might have a future in the music business...and with me:)

The Good Life

What a relaxing couple of days it's been. The sun is out and so are the scantily clad guys. Unfortunately it won't last and snow is in the forecast this week. As strong as my affection for Winter is and as much as I fear Global Warming I'm been loving the warmth we've been experiencing here. It's like coming out of a fog and rediscovering the beauty in the world. The feel of a warm breeze, the smell of a Daffodil...the simple things. Those are the things we need to keep in mind when life starts to get complicated as it often does. But for now life is...moderately satisfying. And that's definitely a good thing.

Let His Body Be Your Guide

So I just found out the reason why gyms are such good places to work out. Of course you're surrounding by people like you who are desperately trying to get into shape but sometimes you might find yourself in the presence of someone who already has the body you want. Call him inspiration.

I've been drooling over one increasingly muscle bound freshman since the beginning of the school year. But after not seeing him for a while he seems to have rediscovered the gym. The expression on his face when he's working out is breathtaking because you can tell he's giving it his all. What he took away from me as far as oxygen I certainly made up for in adrenaline and testosterone. When I caught sight of him my energy spiked and I found myself going faster and burning more calories per minute than I have ever done before. I've been working out for sometime so that's quite exceptional. Not only did I break my own record I literrally was off the charts, the machine couldn't even keep up with how much I was burning and wrapped back around to zero.

The crazy part is that even though my pace and cal/min leveled off they still remained amazingly high. Despite all of this I didn't quite break my record for calories burned during one session (He didn't come until I was 90% complete) but this might have been the best I've done this school year. Maybe people would lose more weight if when they worked out they had a little more inspiration. If you're gay, guys like that might not just represent the body you one day hope to have yourself but the body you want to have, period. So maybe we should place hot guys in front of us while we work out...just a thought.

Untitled

I was just inspired to write a poem while walking around outside and enjoying the rare warm night. I don't think it's that good but I'll still share it. It's only my first draft and I might change later on and give it a title.

Untitled
A cool breeze caresses my skin and fills me with warmth,
The stars gaze down on me out of a cloudless sky
and the grass caves in beneath me,
Still soggy from the Winter Snow.
The air is both refreshing and heartbreaking.
I am filled with shadows of memories I can not yet ascertain.
And my heart groans with some long lost pain.
The streetlights generate a warm glow,
the bare tree branches form a hallow around them.
A bell reverberates in the distance, heralding the beginning of a new day.
A semi hisses to a stop before continuing it's lonely journey.
A couple rests against each other on a bench in the distance and I realize my own loneliness.
I wish I could stop and for a moment just be,
but my legs carry me forward...and the bell continues to ring.

Guy of the Week: Christian Chavez

So finding a guy of the week really isn't an easy thing to do but this week it was a piece of cake. It's Sunday and I already found the perfect guy, Christian Chavez. Now most Americans probably won't recognize that name, and neither did I, but Christian is part of a Mexican boyband called RBD. I chose him as my guy of the week not because I find Mexican men with Orange hair to be a turn on but because this week Christian did something very corageous, he came out.

Now, he might not have had much choice, he was photographed in Canada exchanging vows with his boyfriend, but he is still the first major Mexican star to come out of the closest. In such a staunchly Catholic nation that couldn't have been an easy thing to do. Personally, I don't know how it was that all that surprising. I mean look at his hair! And it's usually dyed pink. Come on!

But whether it was obvious or not, whether he was ready to or not he's out there. And he might prove to be an inspiration to millions of Mexicans struggling with their sexualities. So yeah, he's a cutie but this time that's not the reason he's my guy of the week. It's because I want to show that there are people out there who recognize the barriers that he has just broken and who wish him the best of luck...I think he just might need it.

How Do You Make Up After You Break Up?

So maybe I haven't broken up with anyone but it kind of feels like it. Friendships can be our most intimate non-romantic, non-familial relationships and they share many of the same features. If you think about it, your significant other is just a friend with a few more benefits and expectations. For any relationship to survive, trust is essential and when that is lost...it's only a matter of time.

Unfortunately that's exactly what has happened to me. I'm still furious over the circumstances of the fall out but I'm not focused on that anymore. As I move from depression to acceptance I wonder what happens now? In a place as small as Oberlin we're going to be seeing each other constantly. So how do you stop hurting each other? How can your wounds heal if the people who caused them are constantly there?

The relationships that I always found most difficult to get over is the ones where the person somehow remained in my life. And studying abroad excluded, I'm probably going to be running into them pretty often for the next two years. I'm not ready to forgive, and I can't forget. I know one day I'll be okay and maybe we'll even be okay. I'm not expecting things to go back to normal, nor do I necessarily want them to, but I hope there comes a time where I can see all of those who have hurt me in the past...and feel absolutely nothing. And that day can't come soon enough.

Guy of the Week: American Idol Contestant Sanjaya Malakar

So I hear he can't sing, so what! Even though Sanjaya Malakar's performance on American Idol has gotten less than stellar reviews (I have no opinion myself, I've never watched the show fully) he managed to stay in the running as the field narrows to 20. And the reason why he wasnt eliminated despite the fact one source declared that his singing was the most memorable this week but not in a good way? Because he's cute! I did my research and realized that Sanjaya is only 17 but that is above the age of consent.

I've got my fingers crossed that adorable Sanjaya will rise to the challenge before viewers wise up and give him the boot. If they're are like me, however, right now they are much to captivated by his beautiful brown eyes and luscious locks to pay much attention to his voice. It's about time we had an attractive male idol and after Taylor Hicks that shouldn't be too hard.

Disclaimer: Before any Taylor Hicks fan sends me hate mail, I was rooting for him, so don't you worry.

Guilty on All Charges

I love law. Especially criminal law. I watch stories about gruesome murders all the time but few have touched me as much as a case that has unfolded right before the eyes of my hometown of Cincinnati. Over the Summer, Liz Carroll a foster mother had taken her children to the park. A medical condition caused her to pass out and when she came to at the hospital she was told her children were safe. It turned out, however, that one of them was missing. Marcus Fiesel, a three year old special needs child, was nowhere to be found. A search for the little boy began but almost as quickly as it started the police called an end to it.

I watched his foster mother Liz Carroll beg for help in finding the boy. Even though he wasn't her's biologically she loved him as her own. Several days later she and her husband David Carroll were arrested and the sad story began to leak out. Marcus had never been at the park. Days before he had been reported missing the family decided to go on a trip but they didn't want to take Marcus, because with his special needs he could be a handful. Their solution was to tie the toddler up and throw him in a closet while they were gone. They were gone for days. When they came back, not surprisingly, the boy was dead. So they took his body to an incinerator where they repeatedly burned it. Only a few bone fragments have ever been recovered.

Today, Liz Carroll was found guilty of murder and she faces the death penalty. And I personally thinks she deserves it. She murdered an innocent child for no apparent reason and then with the help of her husband incinerated his body. I know that not everyone is for the death penalty but if she were to die for her crimes I would lose no sleep over it. To her dying will probably be just like going to sleep but I wonder how it was for Marcus. If he understood what was happening. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have been bound in a closet for days with no food and water. I don't know what happens after we die but I hope he found some sense of peace after a short life filled with heartache. And I hope that with this guilty verdict, he'll also find justice.

As I Lay Dying

I have a comment and a confession. I am disgusted by all of the attention being given to Anna Nicole Smith's death. I find it to be a sad end to what must have been a heartbreaking year for this apparently lost soul but her death has received way too much attention and it's a shame. She's not Marilyn Monroe, she's not even close. With that said, my confession is that like many people I find myself intriqued by this gripping tragedy which at the moment is a lot more interesting than my soap operas.
Even though the woman died two weeks ago a court battle is still raging between her estranged mother and "boyfriend" over what should be done with her body. The coroner warned that if a decision was not reached soon Anna's body would not be suitable for viewing. In other words her body is literally decomposing inside her coffin.
This disturbing development reminded me of the book "As I Lay Dying" by William Faulkner. A story about a inept family trying to fulfill the last wish, to be buried in her hometown, of their mother and wife who has just died. The family can't seem to get themselves together and end up traveling back to her place of birth while she is decomposing in her coffin all the while being followed by vultures and turned away by anyone with a sense of smell.
The sad thing is that the people in her life don't seem to care about Anna Nicole Smith enough to give her a decent burial. While they argue over what she would have really wanted, she is literally rotting away in her coffin. And I think that's just rotten.

Cementing His Legacy

November 2, 2004 was a great day for me. The Campaign I had been working on for months slid to an unexpected and impressive victory, the only sucessful gay rights campaign that year. November 3, 2004 was heartbreaking. John Kerry conceded defeat and it became clear that George W. Bush would have a second term. Worse yet, my state of Ohio had assured it. I remember thinking that the only good thing about his win was that we had more time. If Bush had left office than there would have still been a good half of the electorate who thought of him fondly. John Kerry would have began his Presidency in a extremely divided country. George Bush might have gone down as an average or even above average President. I hoped that the next four years would reveal his true nature to my fellow Americans...I didn't have to wait long.
Only months after being reelected, his Presidency started to unravel. Troop deaths in Iraq increasing, Hurricane Katrina and a host of scandals had people throwing up their hands in frustration. All of a sudden there is talk that Bush might just go down as the worse President in United States History. As someone who considers himself an amateur Presidential Historian, I only have this to say: "no duh".
I remember months after September 11, 2001 when Bush was riding his wave of popularity with approval ratings in the 90s I wondered if maybe I should give him another chance. As I pondered whether he was really as bad as I was making him out to be he began talking about war with Iraq. I knew from the beginning that war was inevitable and that even if Saddam Hussein complied we'd still find a way to war. But Congress feigned ignorance and most Americans actually were. Bush's reelection in 2004 assured that he would be in office as his plan crumbled before our eyes. No one can blame President Kerry for letting things in Iraq fail, only Mr. Bush.
Now he attempts to make up for years of failed strategy by adding additional troops. Not only is 20,000 men not enough to make any real difference, it may very well be too late. If I'm baking a cake and the recipe calls for 2 cups of sugar and I only use 1; I should't be surprised when the cake fails to meet my expectations. And I can't add the other cup of sugar after the cake is already baked and call it a "new strategy". This is essentially what Bush is doing. While I fear for our troops I watch and wait as our President cements his dismal legacy in history. And though I would have liked to have been able to bypass these last four years of heartache and pain it might be just what our country needed.

Wanting It So Bad It Hurts

Everybody has wanted something they couldn't have. A toy, those brand new shoes, a perfect family,whatever. How we get over this dilemma can be very important. Sometimes you can find something that can give you just as much enjoyment (instead of Barbie get a little Suzie), or we come to appreciate what we do have (My family isn't perfect but I love them anyway) but what happens if what you want is a person, or an ideal?

For me it's always been other people. Being quiet, not being able to project my charisma in a way that automatically draws people to me makes it hard to make friends or find those close relationships. When I was young there was always a particular type of guy that just drove me nuts. He was the guy: extroverted, popular, attractive, everything that I wanted to be. A lot of us have people that we envy, who we'd like to switch places with, if even just for a day. But being gay brought a new element into the equation, attraction. Not only did I on some level envy and resent these guys but on another one I also wanted them. It's part of what made my early experiences with relationships so explosive. I hated them because they had what I felt I didn't but those same qualities also made me love them.
Maybe I'm being extreme in my language, love and hate are powerful words but so were my emotions. Almost every major crush I had during those early years had that love/hate component. The person I had a crush on was also usually the person I considered my worse enemy. I look back at guys I didn't get along with prior to my realization that I was gay and conclude that I probably did have unknown romantic feelings for them and a lot of anger.
I've changed and I've become more realistic but yesterday I saw them. These guys who I had never seen before but who seemed to be the exact same boys I had been chasing all my life. And not only did I see them I felt it. That feeling of pain in your stomach when you see something you want but you know that in all liklihood you'll never be able to have. So what is one to do? Is it possible to have it all? Or must I settle for less? I've had crushes that have been just as strong on guys that weren't what I initially thought I wanted. But if I do end up with someone who isn't that fantastical boy with whom I have this dichotic relationship with will I always feel this pain when I see him. Maybe I need a chance to be with him in order to realize that he's not what I really want or thought him to be. But fate doesn't seem to be ready to give me that chance and something inside me doesn't seem to be willing to let go.

Guy of the Week-Fallout Boy's Pete Wentz

Well, I've only done three of these but they have all been about guys I know next to nothing about. Pete Wentz is no exception. I've heard of Fallout Boy but I can't say that I've actually heard their music. Well, that's only half true. I was watching the VH1 Top Twenty Countdown and got halfway through the music video to their new song "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race". The song didn't do much for me but I almost fell out of my chair upon laying eyes on the gorgeous Pete Wentz for the first time, which is why he's my guy of the week. I don't know what it is about Emo boys that gets my blood boiling (I'm not even 100% sure what Emo is) but they do and this one is no exception. The style, the look to me is just irresistable. Add some big brown eyes and a pair pouty delectable lips and you've pretty much got Pete Wentz. So I'll try to stop drooling and as far as actually listening to Fallout Boy...yeah, I'll get right on that.

Dixie Chicks Make a Comeback

Yesterday I downloaded my first I-Tunes song. It was "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. While to me it symbolized how I was feeling over the "Cold War" I've been waging with my former friends, the song is a response to the scorn they recieved after lead singer Natalie made a comment in 2003 about how she was ashamed Bush was from Texas. The comment nearly ruined their career. I remember seeing images of a bulldozer on TV running over their CDs to the joy of many. That incident showed the worse aspects of our society. What was worse, few did anything to stop those hateful ignorant people. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing." Well, it only took four years but with five Grammy wins tonight the Dixie Chicks are on their way back to the top. Has our country changed? Or are the ones who claim to be the most patriotic still the ones so willing to give up the rights this country was founded on? I hope for the former but even though (most) of our eyes are now open to the atrocities of the Bush Administration and the Iraq War so are mine, to the dangers of Mob Rule and False Patriotism. The Dixie Chicks say they are willing to forgive but they will never forget and neither should we.

Mere Reflection

I'm on a roll, my unprecendented streak of poetry continues. This is another one about love and I feel it's pretty self-explanatory. Someone falls in love but is still having trouble of letting go of the hurt experienced in the past. He/she tries to reassure their new partner that it's not them who causes them so much anguish, merely fading memories of the past.


Mere Reflection

In my eyes you may see pain,
Reflections of my past retained
Do not start if you see my lips quiver,
Or if my tears flow down like a river.
There's no need to tell me it'll be alright,
I already know, just hold me tight.
Fear not for me if you hear my heart skip a beat,
or if my skin turns white as a sheet.
Anger not if you find my shell too hard to break,
It's not your gentle touch that I can't take.
My love for you is intense and true,
All I ask is that you love me too.
The wounds I've suffered will begin to heal,
The cracks in my heart soon will seal.
With you, I am finally free.
It was always you, my love, who held the key.
Worry not, for though in my eyes you may see pain,
It be nothing more then mere reflection of my past retained.

Justin's Guy of the Week-Daniel Radcliffe

Now I admit I've never watched a Harry Potter Movie but Harry Potter never looked like this before. In an attempt to shed his "Harry Potter" image Daniel Radcliffe took the leading role in the play Equus. Promotional shots such as these have caused quite a stir and why not? He's messing with people's minds. Our lovable magical nerd isn't supposed to be hot! But he definitely is and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead and some coke bottle glasses can't hide that. Our wizard has grown up.

Danny will also be appearing nude on stage and while that might be incentive for some of us to go see Equus I think you might have to count me out. For those of you who aren't familiar with the play, it's very wierd and beastioerotic. I made up that last word, but to put it simply he does things with his horse or in the presence of his horse that most us would probably find disturbing. I mean I'm an animal lover but...not an animal lover. So anyway, despite the fact that I'm a little creeped out by his upcoming role that body and that face is not one of a boy wizard but of a man and that's why Dan Radcliffe is my guy of the week.

Maybe I should

Yet another poem has spewed forth from me at a time when I should be doing homework. Maybe I should just drop out and write a book...or at least become an English Major...I honestly wasn't thinking about anyone in particular when I came up with this, at least not any romantic interest, past or present. Maybe it's just those who have experienced dejection and heartache can write about it even when things are perfectly fine. Didn't quite know how to finish it but I ned to do some homework!

MAYBE I SHOULD

J.B Lee

Do you think I love you?
Do you think I'd dare?
After all I've been through that I'd have any left to spare?
Do you think I'd still pick you up if you fell?
If I had the choice, send you to Heaven and not Hell?
Do you think that I'd pray for you?
That my heart still craves for you?
That I'd hold you tight, be your light and guide you through a dark night?
Do you think I cry myself to sleep,
dream of you when I should be counting sheep?
Do you think I'm holding on to hope,
That I'm the one who can't cope?
If you came back now,
do you think I wouldn't turn you down?
And do you think that because I gave you my heart,
That I can't take it back and restart?
Maybe I do, Maybe I wouldn't, Maybe I could, maybe I shouldn't,
Maybe I'm just a better person than you'll ever be,
And still see something in you worth saving when you're drifting out to sea,
Either way, never again will there ever be a you and me.

If Ever So Humble...

I remember when I was applying to Oberlin and the Bonner Scholars I was asked to right an essay about how Oberlin could be my home away from home. And for a while it's been just that. When I'm back in Cincinnati I find myself calling Oberlin "home". My dorm becomes my room, Stevenson becomes the kitchen and dining room and my friends become my family.

But as I prepared to come back after Winter Term it didn't seem much like home. Maybe after a year and a half the excitement of college life has begin to taper off, and the bone chilling numbness of an Oberlin Winter has yet to wear off. Going back to Cincinnati allowed me to recharge my social batteries and envelop myself within a cocoon of introspection. Now that I'm back those batteries will immediately begin to lose power as I'm thrust back into a place where every hour is full of draining interactions and stressful situations.

I'm changing though. Just as a catipillar comes out of its cocoon a beautiful butterfly, so shall I. I chose to come to Oberlin because I knew it was the place for me. It was where I needed to go in order to grow as a person. I once worried that maybe I wouldn't fit in here...maybe I wasn't different enough. Well, a year and a half into things I still haven't found anyone else like me. And though some may make my journey more difficult with their inability to understand me, this is still my home. And I have no intention of letting someone, including myself, ruin it for me. To quote my favorite Dreamgirls song: "I'm staying and you're going to love me."

Mohawks...I don't think so

Some people can pull of a mohawk...the keyword being some. Now as I've mentioned before I have a thing about hair. In my opinion, a guy can be that much hotter if he has a nice hairstyle. And as a rule of thumb the more hair the better. I have a problem with mohawks though. Now I'm all for appropriating another culture's style but not only do most people who dawn the mohawk know nothing about its cultural significance, they look hideous! It looks even worse on some of us of the darker persuasion. If Chad Johnson couldn't pull it off neither can you. Give me a break!

Justin's Guy of the Week

So I have one week left before I have to head back to Oberlin and I'm thrown into a frosty social situation. But I'm not thinking about that much right now...I'm thinking about Corbin Bleu. Now Ihaven't seen High School Musical, the movie he's known for, but while looking at books at the store I happened upon one all about...guess who? Corbin Bleu. It was definitely lust at first sight. His smile and that hair push him beyond the realm of mere mortal and into that of God. So maybe I'm being a little dramatic but I'm the first to admit I have a thing about hair...some may call it a fetish. Corbin's curly locks are definitely a turn on but he has an undeniably beauty that makes him my guy of the week.