Guilty on All Charges

I love law. Especially criminal law. I watch stories about gruesome murders all the time but few have touched me as much as a case that has unfolded right before the eyes of my hometown of Cincinnati. Over the Summer, Liz Carroll a foster mother had taken her children to the park. A medical condition caused her to pass out and when she came to at the hospital she was told her children were safe. It turned out, however, that one of them was missing. Marcus Fiesel, a three year old special needs child, was nowhere to be found. A search for the little boy began but almost as quickly as it started the police called an end to it.

I watched his foster mother Liz Carroll beg for help in finding the boy. Even though he wasn't her's biologically she loved him as her own. Several days later she and her husband David Carroll were arrested and the sad story began to leak out. Marcus had never been at the park. Days before he had been reported missing the family decided to go on a trip but they didn't want to take Marcus, because with his special needs he could be a handful. Their solution was to tie the toddler up and throw him in a closet while they were gone. They were gone for days. When they came back, not surprisingly, the boy was dead. So they took his body to an incinerator where they repeatedly burned it. Only a few bone fragments have ever been recovered.

Today, Liz Carroll was found guilty of murder and she faces the death penalty. And I personally thinks she deserves it. She murdered an innocent child for no apparent reason and then with the help of her husband incinerated his body. I know that not everyone is for the death penalty but if she were to die for her crimes I would lose no sleep over it. To her dying will probably be just like going to sleep but I wonder how it was for Marcus. If he understood what was happening. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have been bound in a closet for days with no food and water. I don't know what happens after we die but I hope he found some sense of peace after a short life filled with heartache. And I hope that with this guilty verdict, he'll also find justice.

As I Lay Dying

I have a comment and a confession. I am disgusted by all of the attention being given to Anna Nicole Smith's death. I find it to be a sad end to what must have been a heartbreaking year for this apparently lost soul but her death has received way too much attention and it's a shame. She's not Marilyn Monroe, she's not even close. With that said, my confession is that like many people I find myself intriqued by this gripping tragedy which at the moment is a lot more interesting than my soap operas.
Even though the woman died two weeks ago a court battle is still raging between her estranged mother and "boyfriend" over what should be done with her body. The coroner warned that if a decision was not reached soon Anna's body would not be suitable for viewing. In other words her body is literally decomposing inside her coffin.
This disturbing development reminded me of the book "As I Lay Dying" by William Faulkner. A story about a inept family trying to fulfill the last wish, to be buried in her hometown, of their mother and wife who has just died. The family can't seem to get themselves together and end up traveling back to her place of birth while she is decomposing in her coffin all the while being followed by vultures and turned away by anyone with a sense of smell.
The sad thing is that the people in her life don't seem to care about Anna Nicole Smith enough to give her a decent burial. While they argue over what she would have really wanted, she is literally rotting away in her coffin. And I think that's just rotten.

Cementing His Legacy

November 2, 2004 was a great day for me. The Campaign I had been working on for months slid to an unexpected and impressive victory, the only sucessful gay rights campaign that year. November 3, 2004 was heartbreaking. John Kerry conceded defeat and it became clear that George W. Bush would have a second term. Worse yet, my state of Ohio had assured it. I remember thinking that the only good thing about his win was that we had more time. If Bush had left office than there would have still been a good half of the electorate who thought of him fondly. John Kerry would have began his Presidency in a extremely divided country. George Bush might have gone down as an average or even above average President. I hoped that the next four years would reveal his true nature to my fellow Americans...I didn't have to wait long.
Only months after being reelected, his Presidency started to unravel. Troop deaths in Iraq increasing, Hurricane Katrina and a host of scandals had people throwing up their hands in frustration. All of a sudden there is talk that Bush might just go down as the worse President in United States History. As someone who considers himself an amateur Presidential Historian, I only have this to say: "no duh".
I remember months after September 11, 2001 when Bush was riding his wave of popularity with approval ratings in the 90s I wondered if maybe I should give him another chance. As I pondered whether he was really as bad as I was making him out to be he began talking about war with Iraq. I knew from the beginning that war was inevitable and that even if Saddam Hussein complied we'd still find a way to war. But Congress feigned ignorance and most Americans actually were. Bush's reelection in 2004 assured that he would be in office as his plan crumbled before our eyes. No one can blame President Kerry for letting things in Iraq fail, only Mr. Bush.
Now he attempts to make up for years of failed strategy by adding additional troops. Not only is 20,000 men not enough to make any real difference, it may very well be too late. If I'm baking a cake and the recipe calls for 2 cups of sugar and I only use 1; I should't be surprised when the cake fails to meet my expectations. And I can't add the other cup of sugar after the cake is already baked and call it a "new strategy". This is essentially what Bush is doing. While I fear for our troops I watch and wait as our President cements his dismal legacy in history. And though I would have liked to have been able to bypass these last four years of heartache and pain it might be just what our country needed.

Wanting It So Bad It Hurts

Everybody has wanted something they couldn't have. A toy, those brand new shoes, a perfect family,whatever. How we get over this dilemma can be very important. Sometimes you can find something that can give you just as much enjoyment (instead of Barbie get a little Suzie), or we come to appreciate what we do have (My family isn't perfect but I love them anyway) but what happens if what you want is a person, or an ideal?

For me it's always been other people. Being quiet, not being able to project my charisma in a way that automatically draws people to me makes it hard to make friends or find those close relationships. When I was young there was always a particular type of guy that just drove me nuts. He was the guy: extroverted, popular, attractive, everything that I wanted to be. A lot of us have people that we envy, who we'd like to switch places with, if even just for a day. But being gay brought a new element into the equation, attraction. Not only did I on some level envy and resent these guys but on another one I also wanted them. It's part of what made my early experiences with relationships so explosive. I hated them because they had what I felt I didn't but those same qualities also made me love them.
Maybe I'm being extreme in my language, love and hate are powerful words but so were my emotions. Almost every major crush I had during those early years had that love/hate component. The person I had a crush on was also usually the person I considered my worse enemy. I look back at guys I didn't get along with prior to my realization that I was gay and conclude that I probably did have unknown romantic feelings for them and a lot of anger.
I've changed and I've become more realistic but yesterday I saw them. These guys who I had never seen before but who seemed to be the exact same boys I had been chasing all my life. And not only did I see them I felt it. That feeling of pain in your stomach when you see something you want but you know that in all liklihood you'll never be able to have. So what is one to do? Is it possible to have it all? Or must I settle for less? I've had crushes that have been just as strong on guys that weren't what I initially thought I wanted. But if I do end up with someone who isn't that fantastical boy with whom I have this dichotic relationship with will I always feel this pain when I see him. Maybe I need a chance to be with him in order to realize that he's not what I really want or thought him to be. But fate doesn't seem to be ready to give me that chance and something inside me doesn't seem to be willing to let go.

Guy of the Week-Fallout Boy's Pete Wentz

Well, I've only done three of these but they have all been about guys I know next to nothing about. Pete Wentz is no exception. I've heard of Fallout Boy but I can't say that I've actually heard their music. Well, that's only half true. I was watching the VH1 Top Twenty Countdown and got halfway through the music video to their new song "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race". The song didn't do much for me but I almost fell out of my chair upon laying eyes on the gorgeous Pete Wentz for the first time, which is why he's my guy of the week. I don't know what it is about Emo boys that gets my blood boiling (I'm not even 100% sure what Emo is) but they do and this one is no exception. The style, the look to me is just irresistable. Add some big brown eyes and a pair pouty delectable lips and you've pretty much got Pete Wentz. So I'll try to stop drooling and as far as actually listening to Fallout Boy...yeah, I'll get right on that.

Dixie Chicks Make a Comeback

Yesterday I downloaded my first I-Tunes song. It was "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. While to me it symbolized how I was feeling over the "Cold War" I've been waging with my former friends, the song is a response to the scorn they recieved after lead singer Natalie made a comment in 2003 about how she was ashamed Bush was from Texas. The comment nearly ruined their career. I remember seeing images of a bulldozer on TV running over their CDs to the joy of many. That incident showed the worse aspects of our society. What was worse, few did anything to stop those hateful ignorant people. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing." Well, it only took four years but with five Grammy wins tonight the Dixie Chicks are on their way back to the top. Has our country changed? Or are the ones who claim to be the most patriotic still the ones so willing to give up the rights this country was founded on? I hope for the former but even though (most) of our eyes are now open to the atrocities of the Bush Administration and the Iraq War so are mine, to the dangers of Mob Rule and False Patriotism. The Dixie Chicks say they are willing to forgive but they will never forget and neither should we.

Mere Reflection

I'm on a roll, my unprecendented streak of poetry continues. This is another one about love and I feel it's pretty self-explanatory. Someone falls in love but is still having trouble of letting go of the hurt experienced in the past. He/she tries to reassure their new partner that it's not them who causes them so much anguish, merely fading memories of the past.


Mere Reflection

In my eyes you may see pain,
Reflections of my past retained
Do not start if you see my lips quiver,
Or if my tears flow down like a river.
There's no need to tell me it'll be alright,
I already know, just hold me tight.
Fear not for me if you hear my heart skip a beat,
or if my skin turns white as a sheet.
Anger not if you find my shell too hard to break,
It's not your gentle touch that I can't take.
My love for you is intense and true,
All I ask is that you love me too.
The wounds I've suffered will begin to heal,
The cracks in my heart soon will seal.
With you, I am finally free.
It was always you, my love, who held the key.
Worry not, for though in my eyes you may see pain,
It be nothing more then mere reflection of my past retained.

Justin's Guy of the Week-Daniel Radcliffe

Now I admit I've never watched a Harry Potter Movie but Harry Potter never looked like this before. In an attempt to shed his "Harry Potter" image Daniel Radcliffe took the leading role in the play Equus. Promotional shots such as these have caused quite a stir and why not? He's messing with people's minds. Our lovable magical nerd isn't supposed to be hot! But he definitely is and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead and some coke bottle glasses can't hide that. Our wizard has grown up.

Danny will also be appearing nude on stage and while that might be incentive for some of us to go see Equus I think you might have to count me out. For those of you who aren't familiar with the play, it's very wierd and beastioerotic. I made up that last word, but to put it simply he does things with his horse or in the presence of his horse that most us would probably find disturbing. I mean I'm an animal lover but...not an animal lover. So anyway, despite the fact that I'm a little creeped out by his upcoming role that body and that face is not one of a boy wizard but of a man and that's why Dan Radcliffe is my guy of the week.

Maybe I should

Yet another poem has spewed forth from me at a time when I should be doing homework. Maybe I should just drop out and write a book...or at least become an English Major...I honestly wasn't thinking about anyone in particular when I came up with this, at least not any romantic interest, past or present. Maybe it's just those who have experienced dejection and heartache can write about it even when things are perfectly fine. Didn't quite know how to finish it but I ned to do some homework!

MAYBE I SHOULD

J.B Lee

Do you think I love you?
Do you think I'd dare?
After all I've been through that I'd have any left to spare?
Do you think I'd still pick you up if you fell?
If I had the choice, send you to Heaven and not Hell?
Do you think that I'd pray for you?
That my heart still craves for you?
That I'd hold you tight, be your light and guide you through a dark night?
Do you think I cry myself to sleep,
dream of you when I should be counting sheep?
Do you think I'm holding on to hope,
That I'm the one who can't cope?
If you came back now,
do you think I wouldn't turn you down?
And do you think that because I gave you my heart,
That I can't take it back and restart?
Maybe I do, Maybe I wouldn't, Maybe I could, maybe I shouldn't,
Maybe I'm just a better person than you'll ever be,
And still see something in you worth saving when you're drifting out to sea,
Either way, never again will there ever be a you and me.

If Ever So Humble...

I remember when I was applying to Oberlin and the Bonner Scholars I was asked to right an essay about how Oberlin could be my home away from home. And for a while it's been just that. When I'm back in Cincinnati I find myself calling Oberlin "home". My dorm becomes my room, Stevenson becomes the kitchen and dining room and my friends become my family.

But as I prepared to come back after Winter Term it didn't seem much like home. Maybe after a year and a half the excitement of college life has begin to taper off, and the bone chilling numbness of an Oberlin Winter has yet to wear off. Going back to Cincinnati allowed me to recharge my social batteries and envelop myself within a cocoon of introspection. Now that I'm back those batteries will immediately begin to lose power as I'm thrust back into a place where every hour is full of draining interactions and stressful situations.

I'm changing though. Just as a catipillar comes out of its cocoon a beautiful butterfly, so shall I. I chose to come to Oberlin because I knew it was the place for me. It was where I needed to go in order to grow as a person. I once worried that maybe I wouldn't fit in here...maybe I wasn't different enough. Well, a year and a half into things I still haven't found anyone else like me. And though some may make my journey more difficult with their inability to understand me, this is still my home. And I have no intention of letting someone, including myself, ruin it for me. To quote my favorite Dreamgirls song: "I'm staying and you're going to love me."