Over the past few months I've learned a great deal about the enigma we call love. It is the emotion that is more than a feeling, the concept that is more than a thought. It has been a subject for philosophers and poets alike yet no matter how much we analyze it or turn it into verse it is the driving force that we never completely understand.
To me it has been like the sun, always there no matter how many times it dips below the horizon or hides behind a cloud. I have coveted its warmth yet feared its heat. Without it, the vibrant colors of life fade until there’s nothing more than the black of the eternal night sky against the white frozen tundra of the Earth. We can no more live in a world devoid of love than we can live in a world with no sun. But perhaps, the cheesy metaphors detract from the very “real” nature of love, the indescribable feeling in the pit of our stomachs. The ups and downs, the sorrows and the joys, they’re all a part of love.
Friends have asked me whether one can truly fall in love after having known someone for only a matter of months. The answer for anyone who has fallen in love should be simple. To me it seems like a chemical reaction that happens deep within your heart and after which you are fundamentally changed, never to be the same again. It’s something that doesn’t happen over a period of months or a day or even a minute. It happens in an instant, a moment that touches your soul.
Friends have also asked me whether it was possible to love someone who doesn’t love you back. For anyone who has ever experienced unrequited love, the answer should be painfully obvious. Love is not so selfish that it has to be received in order to be given. And despite the fact that my love wasn’t returned, at least to the extent that I wished it to be, it is no less precious…or devastating.
Love has taken a knife and dragged it across the surface of my heart. It is terrifying and yet somewhat comforting to know that even after the wound heals, the scar will remain. A proud testament to a battle fought and lost. Margaret Kennedy said that “It is better to break one’s heart, than to do nothing with it”. In the midst of great pain I question the wisdom of her quote but what’s left of my reason tends to agree. I’ve loved…I am in love and despite all of the hurt, I can feel the beginning of a smile form on my lips when I hear his name. I can still feel the warmth on my face despite the darkening sky. I love him, I say it proudly and defiantly.
Sometimes I ask myself what I’d do if were given the opportunity to go back before that “chemical reaction”, that moment, back before I had ever seen his face or whispered his named. Would I take the opportunity if it meant I could erase ever having fallen in love or having my heart broken? Yes, sometimes I ask myself this but to anyone who has ever been in love…well, the answer is clear.
