Wanting It So Bad It Hurts

Everybody has wanted something they couldn't have. A toy, those brand new shoes, a perfect family,whatever. How we get over this dilemma can be very important. Sometimes you can find something that can give you just as much enjoyment (instead of Barbie get a little Suzie), or we come to appreciate what we do have (My family isn't perfect but I love them anyway) but what happens if what you want is a person, or an ideal?

For me it's always been other people. Being quiet, not being able to project my charisma in a way that automatically draws people to me makes it hard to make friends or find those close relationships. When I was young there was always a particular type of guy that just drove me nuts. He was the guy: extroverted, popular, attractive, everything that I wanted to be. A lot of us have people that we envy, who we'd like to switch places with, if even just for a day. But being gay brought a new element into the equation, attraction. Not only did I on some level envy and resent these guys but on another one I also wanted them. It's part of what made my early experiences with relationships so explosive. I hated them because they had what I felt I didn't but those same qualities also made me love them.
Maybe I'm being extreme in my language, love and hate are powerful words but so were my emotions. Almost every major crush I had during those early years had that love/hate component. The person I had a crush on was also usually the person I considered my worse enemy. I look back at guys I didn't get along with prior to my realization that I was gay and conclude that I probably did have unknown romantic feelings for them and a lot of anger.
I've changed and I've become more realistic but yesterday I saw them. These guys who I had never seen before but who seemed to be the exact same boys I had been chasing all my life. And not only did I see them I felt it. That feeling of pain in your stomach when you see something you want but you know that in all liklihood you'll never be able to have. So what is one to do? Is it possible to have it all? Or must I settle for less? I've had crushes that have been just as strong on guys that weren't what I initially thought I wanted. But if I do end up with someone who isn't that fantastical boy with whom I have this dichotic relationship with will I always feel this pain when I see him. Maybe I need a chance to be with him in order to realize that he's not what I really want or thought him to be. But fate doesn't seem to be ready to give me that chance and something inside me doesn't seem to be willing to let go.